


The Vow

by perrydoan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bottom Sam, Bottom Sam Winchester, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, Incest, M/M, Memory Loss, Rough Sex, Top Castiel, Top Dean, Top Dean Winchester, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-14 09:31:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14767022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perrydoan/pseuds/perrydoan
Summary: Sam and Dean fell in love and made their vows in unoffficial wedding when Sam's 16 and Dean's 20. However, a car accident happened that took all of Sam's memories related to Dean. Dean was the only one would be able to put all of their memories back together once again. But the problem was he wasn't sure if Sam wanted to.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is inspired by The Vow (2012).
> 
> I wrote this 3 years ago in Vietnamese. And I think I should share it with you guys in English because I think this work is worth it. So hope you guys enjoy the pain.

 

Dean was lying on his back on the couch. His face was emotionless until a warm water flow rolled from his eyes. The man immediately wiped it away. He sighed. Then Dean picked up a cigarette and he wanted so bad to take a deep long drag in order to forget the reality. But then, he couldn’t. He quit smoking since 15 when he started smoking. He remembered a messy-brown-haired 11-year-old boy who looked at him with his hazel eyes: “I hate the smell of it”. Dean looked back at him with a smirk: “What a girl!” And since that day, he quit it.

Dean was lying on his back on the couch. His face was emotionless. It’s 3 in the morning and he couldn’t bring himself to sleep. The man got up from the couch, walked on his bowlegs to the bedroom. He opened the door to greet such a sweet, comfortable sound coming from the bed. Dean walked towards it. His boy was sleeping as sound as a baby who just got fed by his mother’s milk. He pulled away the hair that covered the boy’s face and gently put a kiss on his forehead. Dean left the room almost immediately to prevent his tears from dropping down on his brother’s face. Sam was so close to him, yet so far away. His body was just a door away from Dean, but his mind was a million miles away. It’s too far for Dean to reach. It’s too far for Dean not to fall back behind.

Dean was lying on his back on the couch. His face was emotionless.

**~~~O~~~**

“Finn! I need your help! Finn!”

Dean stormed into the bedroom as fast as possible when he heard Sam’s scream. The boy sat on the bed with the blanket wrapping around his body. Sam looked up at Dean with his tearing eyes.

“What? What’s wrong” Dean asked in hurry. The man came to the bed and checked around his brother’s body to see if there’s anything happened, any bruise. “You got hurt?”

“I-I…”

“What? What happened?” he looked so much worried.

“I… I can’t find my clothes… Where’s my clothes?”

He sighed in relief knowing Sam’s doing okay. Out of nowhere, Dean chuckled. He recalled there’s a time when he had hidden all of Sam’s clothes and the boy had shouted his name almost the same. But it’s not the same, anyway. He stopped chuckling and returned his gaze at Sam. Normally, this was exactly when Dean would likely kiss Sam on his forehead or his lips. But he couldn’t. He just smiled softly and sighed. The man stepped out from the bed and took out a set of clothes. There’s a flannel shirt, a pair of jean and a dark green coat.

“Here comes your clothes”

“I dressed exactly like that yesterday”

“Yeah. You always dress like that every day”

“I don’t like it much”

“Yeah…” Dean responded with a lump in his throat.

Dean had used to be the guy who’d liked T-shirts, jeans and leather jackets. But since Sam had started to fall in love with flannel, the boy had made him wear it everyday. “I want both of us look almost the same”, Sam had said so. Dean, of course, had smiled in a very painful way and accepted that nerd kind of style from his brother. And now, his brother was saying that he didn’t like it much. Dean turned away to hide his hurtful expression. “Just wear whatever you like. We have plenty clothes in the closet. Make yourself home”

And just like that, he left the room. Dean stepped into the bunker’s bathroom and turned on the water. Each wave of water hit his body with each wave of memories.

 _“My name is Sam Winchester._ _I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not, to agree to disagree on red velvet cake, and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home”_

_“Again, I don’t get why we’re doing this stupid crap, Sammy. This crap is for chicks! Ugh. My name is Dean Winchester. I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love. And to always know in the deepest part of my soul that no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find our way back to each other.”_

_“It is at this time that I now pronounce you big husband and small husband. You may now exchange your rings and kiss each other”_

_“Sam! I can’t kiss you in front of too many people like this. Tom, could we skip this?”_

They had been unofficially married to each other since Dean had been 20 and Sam had been 16. After that, Sam’d left Dean since his older brother/husband didn’t want to live with him in California. All that time, Dean had crazily thrown himself into those hunts to forget Sam. He had tried. But sometimes, he couldn’t. Dean had called Sam almost every night but the phone had never been picked up for once. And then, Dean had started to just expand the time. He had started to send voicemails for Sam once a week and then one each two weeks, and then made it once a month, and then two months. And then, Dean got frustrated and didn’t send anything else. The man had continued to throw himself in hunting and the boy had continued to just study. Dean, apparently, had dropped by Sam’s dormitory to learn that Sam’s with someone else. Dean was happy for Sam, but felt pity for himself. He had known that marriage crap had just been some kid stuff that Sam had been interested in. But somehow, Dean had felt like it’d meant something to him. It’d even meant a lot to him, if he’d been honest. Dean had just questioned his sexuality ever since. Their love hadn’t been right. It’s not natural. At least, he had thought so when he’d been a kid. And even when it’d been bad enough, he had had to add more to it. Hello, brothers! The wrong in their feelings had just been pushing them away from each other. And Dean’s sure that Sam would never be able to remember him.

**~~~O~~~**

“Hey”, Dean was making omelet and salad that he knew were Sam’s favorite.

Sam stepped out of the bathroom with his long wet hair adorable hair. He looked just like that time when the Impala had got messed up and they’d had to push the car back to the bunker with Sam had got too wet to be true.

“What do you think? I prefer this kind of style”. Sam was wearing a black T-shirt with a red shirts rolled up at his elbow and a pair of jeans. He was smiling to wait for Dean’s answer.

“Sammy”, Dean left a soft laugh out, “You’re wearing my clothes”.

“Oh…” a light blush was on his face, “I’ll take them off”

“It’s okay. You look good with whatever you choose”

“Thanks, Finn”

“Um… Dean. I’m Dean”

“Oh… I apologize”

“It’s okay. The doctor said that you must have a lot to recover”

Dean brought the food to Sam. The moment that Sam’s most beautiful had always been when he smiled with his dimples coming to life. And he was smiling like that when Dean brought him food.

“It’s so good. You’re good” Sam said with his mouthful.

“Oh, yea. As long as you like it” Dean chuckled.

“Um… Finn… I mean, Dean. Dean, you’re really my brother?” he licked his lips.

“Yeah… I’m your brother…”, Dean scratched his neck.

“Um… We are not much alike, are we?” Sam nodded.

“Yeah. We’re quite opposite. You’ve always been gay and I’ve always been manly as hell.” Dean laughed out loud. At least, he could enjoy a little moment with his baby brother.

“Hey! I’m not like that!” Sam narrowed his eyes with a bitch face.

“That! That’s exactly what you always say!” Dean couldn’t stop laughing. When he laughed, he laughed with his whole body.

“If you and I wrestle, you can easily be the dead one”, out of nowhere, Sam smirked. He didn’t even know why he said it.

“Oh yea? Then do it!” Dean challenged his brother.

It’s like he’d been waiting for this moment for too long. Sam instantly jumped on Dean just like the old time. Dean was quite happy with this and a little painful because Sam got him fall off his chair. They’re struggling with Dean using his arms to block Sam’s throat and Sam pushing up and pushing Dean back on the floor. Sam panted and chuckled with his victory. And almost less than a blink, Dean grabbed his brother’s shoulder and used another hand to pull him down hard. The older man jumped up, blocked the younger with his whole body. They were smiling at each other before Sam pushed himself up using his arm. That moment, their eyes met. Dean looked at Sam who was offering him the best smile just like they had always done. Dean lost control and let go, leaned it and put his lips on Sam. The boy freaked out and pushed Dean away. He wiped his lips while jumping up.

“What the hell were you doing?” Sam was clearly mad and shock.

“I…”, Dean was struggling, “It’s just what we always do…”

Sam cut off, “We? What we do? That’s sick! You’re my brother! You told me so! And you’re even a man!”

“I…” Dean gritted his teeth.

“Unbelievable” Sam shook angrily.

“I’m really your brother, Sammy”, his voice was almost broken.

“Don’t call me Sammy as if I’m 12. If you’re really my brother, then what the hell was that?”

“I… I am sorry”, Dean said, almost too quiet to hear.

Sam shook in disbelief. He left the kitchen and went back to his room and slammed the door hard enough to startle Dean. The older Winchester was sitting on the kitchen floor, biting his bottom lip. He sighed then cleaned up the breakfast. The first breakfast since Sam got out of the hospital was just stressful like that.

**~~~O~~~**

They were sitting in the Impala after driving around in a summer night. They decided to drop all the cases just to have fun for at least a night. The street was crowded and a heavy traffic jam was adding more to it. Sam looked at Dean with a giggle.

“Hey, remember when I was 16?”

“What’s there to remember?” Dean was chewing his donuts.

“When I made you vow on our marriage”, Sam bit his lips and raised an eyebrow.

“Sammy! You’re over 30 years old”, Dean rolled his eyes. “Can you please just stop being such a chick so that you can get married?”

“I have already am”, Sam chuckled.

“Becky?” Dean raised his eyebrow this time, “It ain’t love, man. You got a love spell”

“Right. But when I was 16, I only got a love spell from you”, Sam bit his bottom lip.

“I have never…”

“I know”

Sam cut Dean off when he leaned in Dean’s seat. As fast as the flash, Dean felt those donuts started to give in and made more room for the king of his mouth, Sam Winchester. Dean grabbed Sam’s neck and pulled him closer. They closed their eyes and devoured each other’s tongue. The smooth, sweet and intense feelings were flowing through Dean’s larynx. If he’s being honest with himself, Dean just wanted to get back to the bunker as fast as possible to finish whatever pleasure show they would do in bed. Dean wandered his hands behind Sam’s back and rested on his ass. That wonderful sexy perfect ass was only owed by Dean. Sam pushed Dean’s hands away as long as his mouth while Dean wanted more. The man could feel his “little Dean” was too needy to meet his “little Sammy”. Sam returned with a playful smirk, “Wait till we get back home” and went back to his seat to button up his shirt which had been accidentally ripped open by Dean. The boy still shoot his big brother such a delicious look. It made Dean wanna cry out. “Dammit, Sammy!”

After getting out of the traffic, Dean rode Baby back to the bunker. It should have been all okay until a spirit showed up. Dean turned the car to avoid her just to hit the car into an old tree on the side road.

“Sammy, you little bitch! Stay with me! Can you hear me?” Dean shouted in hopeless watching blood dropping from Sam’s skull.

Both of them then got carried to the hospital without conscious. Dean woke up first and went to find Sam with the help of his crutches.

“Doctor”, he said when he saw a woman in blouse.

“Hello. How can I help you?”

“I’m Dean Winchester. I’m looking for my brother, Sam Winchester”.

“Mr. Winchester, I have something wanna tell you”

“About what?” Blood was spoiling in his brain. “About my brother?” He felt like he might just pass out at any moment if there’s something happened to Sam. “What happened to him?”

“Physically, he’s fine”, she replied in a calm voice.

“Thank God”, Dean sighed in relief.

“But mentally, he’s… I’m afraid there’s some problem”.

“What do you mean?” Dean frowned.

“We learn that his head just went to such a strong collision. Luckily, it doesn’t threaten his life”

“But?”

“But he might lose his memory temporarily”

“Maybe?”

“Maybe. We must watch him carefully. We only know the answer when he wakes up finally”.

“Okay…”

Dean walked uneasily to Sam’s room where he’s lying on the hospital bed with his head wrapped around medical fabric. Jesus Christ, he thought, fought back a tear waiting to drop. “Castiel? Can you hear me? Please help him. Sam is in a serious trouble. I know you can heal him easily. Please, where are you? Please drag your ass here and see me!” Dean prayed but no one answered him. He was about to pray another angel until the Gadreel thing hit him. He couldn’t allow himself to let another hurt his brother all over again.

“Sam, Sammy?” Dean sat next to Sam. “Hey the pain in the ass, can you hear me?” he took Sam’s hand in his, “Please wake up. We have been going through more crap than just this, haven’t we? Don’t you leave me just because of a god damned tree like that”, Dean smirked with his eyes tearing up. It’s too painful to look at his brother this small and vulnerable. “Last night, you asked me if I remembered our vows. I do, I fucking do”, his voice got broken. Dean swallowed hard, tightened his hand around Sam’s. “I remember you didn’t even care to kiss me in public. But I was so embarrassed, so I chickened out”, he chuckled, “I remember after that, you asked me if I wanted to live with you. It was supposed to be just the two of us. But I couldn’t leave Dad so I lost you”, pain went through him as he flashbacked to that day, “I lost you into someone’s arms. I was hurt and heartbroken at the time but I was also happy for you”, he smiled with tears rolling down, “But then, I showed up and I ruined your life all over again. I’m such a jerk. But you still loved me after all those years. And I did, too. I always do”, he swallowed hard. The visions went blurred. “I know it’s wrong. I know our love is wrong to others. But it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with me falling in love with you”, Dean led Sam’s hand to his lips, “Because if anyone that’s worth for me to love the most, it’s you, Sammy. It’s you who is worth for me to dream of, to appreciate, to be grateful of, Sammy”. Dean held Sam’s hand to his cheek, “If you wake up, I swear to you that we’re gonna get our official marriage now. It’s gonna be official, baby, not just that crap when I was 20. I’m gonna buy you the best ring you ever wished for”, he smiled painfully, shivering. “Sammy, please. Wake up”.

Sam started to move his fingers. Dean couldn’t hide his excitement and wipe his tears away with a wide grin. “Dammit!  Why is it just like a chick flick show or something? I take back what I just said”.

“Hey”, Sam opened his eyes to look at Dean with tired eyes.

“Hey, Sammy”, Dean smiled softly.

“Hi. Where am I? What happened?”, he asked quietly while looking around.

“It’s the hospital. We met a spirit and we hit a tree. You don’t remember anything?” Dean explained.

“We? Why we?” Sam cocked his head with a confused look on his face.

“If it’s not we, then who?” Dean smirked with his baby brother’s sarcasm innocence.

“I was studying in my room”, Sam swallowed dryly, “It’s Jess’s birthday today”.

“What the hell are you talking about Sammy?” Dean tried to smile at his brother’s act but somehow, he wasn’t sure if it’s a joke.

“Sammy?” Sam frowned. “I am Samuel Winchester”, he hissed, “Sammy is what my brother called me”, he licked his lips, tried to sit up, “And he’s the only one that gets to call me so”.

“Sam?” there’s a pain somewhere in the man’s voice, “I’m your brother”.

“Brother?” Sam shook his head, “My brother passed away for too long. What are you talking about?”

“Passed?” Dean’s eyes widened, “I’m here. I’m alive. It’s me. Dean Winchester, your brother”, Dean held Sam’s hand.

Sam pulled his hand back. “Not true! Who are you? My brother passed away since I was 18”.

Just like that, Dean felt like the ground under him just went five miles deeper. His ears suddenly buzzed and his visions became too dark to see. There’s some freaking invisible weight in his chest.

“Sam…”, he tried to pull himself together, “How old are you now?”

“I am 21. Today is January 24th, Jess’s birthday”, Sam said surely.

“Sammy…”, Dean tried to stop his eyes from crying, “It’s December 24th, Christmas Day. Jess…”, he sighed with a pain, “Jess passed away 10 years ago. You’re 31, Sam”. Dean bit his bottom lip.

“Not true!” Sam was shocked and he just kept on shaking his head.

“Sam…”

“Not true! Not true!” His whole body was shaking like an earthquake.

Dean was quiet for awhile when he watched his brother suffered the pain. The older Winchester didn’t know what was going on with them. Until the doctor showed up and told him what’s actually happening that he felt like all the heavy from heaven and hell was sitting happily in his chest and tightened his heart, made him feel like he couldn’t breathe at all. This was even worst than when Dean had got tore apart by those hellhounds or when he got tortured in Hell for a good 40 years.

“Mr. Winchester. We have the result. It seems like your brother totally loses his memories related to you. His memories stop at the age of 21. Everything after that is completely gone”

Dean’s eyes didn’t contain any living sign at the moment those words sunken in. “Can he be recovered?”

“Probably”, she nodded, “But it’s not easy. Only 3-5% of the patients can”, she said firmly.

“I…”, it’s too hard to speak, it’s too painful to. “I thank you…”, he didn’t look at her.

It felt like someone was using some knife to cut him in pieces and watching him bleeding in pleasure. His Sammy now was no longer his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love to know what you guys think. So feel free to leave a comment about the story. I love y'all. ;)


	2. Chapter 2

Sam didn’t come out of his room for days and hardly replied to Dean no matter what the man asked. Dean was standing outside of his brother’s room, sighing. His voice was quiet, too quiet for someone to hear. “Sam, we’re running out of milk. So I’m gonna buy some. Don’t go anywhere, okay?”

Dean was waiting, hoping, expecting some briefly answer like “Okay, be careful. Be home soon”. But it was too much to ask at the moment. Replying to Dean was silence. Nothing. It hurt, it was heavy and painful. It was such an amazing thing that sometimes, all you needed to do to kill a man was nothing. Dean gritted his teeth. It felt exactly like when they’re in a cold war in which Sam had figured out Dean had been lying to him. The only difference here was that Sam had known who Dean was and this Sam believed Dean had died about thirteen years ago.

Dean tiredly forced himself out of the bunker. These days, the bunker wasn’t home. It’s more like a prison where he found himself trapped in memories and pain. Dean slid the key into Baby and started the engine. He looked to his right and saw Sam smiling at him with a simple “Jerk”. “Bitch”, he replied. The boy was so pretty, so beautiful, so gorgeous that it drew a smile out of Dean. Gosh, Sam was this big already, Dean thought. He had raised such a perfect boy. Sam’s stupid brown long hair touched his shoulder lightly. It was completely natural. Well, super natural, if you asked Dean. The man was unconsciously touching Sam’s hair just to get shoo by the boy, “Dee! Don’t touch my hair” and burst out the best laugh Dean had ever heard. What an adorable son of a great woman, right? Dean teased, “Gimme five minutes and your hair will be as pretty as mine, Sammy”.

“Don’t you dare! Shut up!” Sam giggled and gave his dimples a chance to bright and shine. Do you know what’s even more gorgeous than those souls and grace? That’s right. It’s Sam’s smile. More specifically, it’s Sam’s smile for Dean. The man could never been more proud of anything than this. His beautiful brother with his beautiful smile was all Dean’s.

Sam looked at him for awhile and raised an eyebrow: “What? Why do you keep looking at me?”

 _Because I love you._ Dean wanted to reply so. He wanted to point that fact out. But he didn’t.

Dean left his engine running for a good fifteen minutes without knowing. He was floating in his thoughts till a cat walked by him out of nowhere. He sneezed. Dean looked at the other side. Nothing. There’s just an empty seat without anyone, any smile, any laugh. Just a simple nothing. It was just his daydream of his brother who couldn’t even recognize him. Dean chuckled sadly and drove to the town. At least, that’s something he could do now.

If he had thought driving away from the bunker could help him to ease the pain, he’s dead wrong. Because once he’s in town, everything reminded him of Sam.

_“What’s this hell?”_

_“Farmer’s Market”_

_“Well, then what the hell are we supposed to eat?”_

_“Banana and water”_

_“I lost my shoe”_

_“Easy, tiger”_

_“Wait… there’s no such thing as unicorn?”_

_“My name is Sam Winchester. This is my brother, Dean”_

Memories were a bitch.

**~~~0~~~**

“Sam? I’m home”

Dean’s back after 30 minutes. The man knocked on Sam’s door and there’s still no better answer than silence. It was so quiet that something in Dean’s stomach twisted. He wanted to storm in to see if Sam’s doing okay, if Sam’s hurt, if Sam needed something. But then he gave up. The man bit his bottom lip and moved back to his own room. Maybe he should give Sam sometimes. That would be better than forcing the facts into his throat.

Dean was lying in his bed. He started wondering if he should lie to the younger man. What if he just told the boy that there’s nothing between the two of them? What if he just point out that there’s no heaven or hell? What if he just said that he’s no Dean Winchester either? That he’s just a stranger who had accidentally hit Sam on the road and felt so guilty about this that he took the man in? What if Dean just sent him back to Stanford even when he’s 31 already? Would Sam be a lawyer then? A husband even? He would have a pretty wife and be a father of a lot of beautiful kids. He would just die normally in bed with the witness of his wife and children instead of under some fangs or some werewolf or some ghost? Wouldn’t it be a happy ending for Sam? Whatever it was, Sam’s happiness was Dean’s expectation. So it wouldn’t hurt Dean to do such things, would it?

But Dean, better than anyone else, knew that it was just him fooling himself. He knew that he could never be brave enough to do any of them. He could never have the guts to trade his brother for anything. He didn’t know what he’s thinking now. Would he just give up this stupid car accident and lose Sam? After all this time? He would lose Sam for a car accident? Would he smile watching Sam getting married or cry knowing Sam could never realize him? Would he just laugh seeing Sam being a father or just bite his lips hard enough to stop his sob from the fact that Sam’s children would never know they had an uncle? Would he just be happy watching his brother dying on his bed with his family or dig another hole at some intersection to beg any demon for another ten years of watching Sam living without Dean in his mind? And after ten years, Dean would die in lonely with his bloody body being tore apart by hell hounds and it would just get rotten for not being buried or burned by anyone. And that’s the end of Dean’s life. And he couldn’t take it. As much as he wanted nothing but happiness for Sam, he couldn’t stand the fact of living that life. It’s not because he could die in cold blood. Dying had nothing to do with the fact that he had to live a life without Sam. And a life without Sam wasn’t a life. It was just a time in which Dean hadn’t died yet.

**~~~0~~~**

“Sam! Dinner is ready. Are you coming or what?” Dean called in as he’s standing before Sam’s room.

No response. Dean knew Sam’s mad at him for what he’d done. He meant, no normal man could be just happy to be kissed by a person who they didn’t even know that claimed to be their brother, right?

“Sam! You either come out or I’ll come in and drag you out, you bitch!”

No response. Now, that’s kinda too much. He knew he deserved a cold war but staying silent forever wasn’t a nice game here. Even when Sam’s mad at him, he gotta eat something.

Dean waited for a moment before getting all hot blood went through his mind. That’s it! He would make Sam eat. He didn’t care if Sam hated him forever. Eating wasn’t an option here, not on Dean’s watch.

“Dammit, Sammy! I…”

He opened the door and found himself gasping. Nobody was there. His visions before him went too dark to see. Dean gulped. He ran and scanned everywhere in the bunker like a mad man. He had never stopped calling Sam for one second. But there’s still no response, which meant Sam wasn’t in the bunker at all for God knew how long.

Just at the moment, Dean realized that he had left Sam all alone for thirty minutes earlier today.

Dean called Sam in the cell phone and the phone was dead. Nice! So nice! Like this was what he needed exactly to commit suicide here. Dean grabbed his jacket and hopped on the Impala as fast as possible. The man drove off in a blink of eye. Honestly, his mind was completely blank. He had no idea where Sam could go. He was just driving. Even if he had to tear this Kansas apart, he must find the boy. If Sam wasn’t in Kansas, he would be in another state. And Dean could tear all of this country apart, hell, this world apart for his brother. But deep down, he knew Sam was just around, he could feel it, could sense his baby brother’s presence. All he needed to do was think harder. Maybe Sam was in some bar, some place that they had normally gone. He must be close.

After ten hours of searching, Dean came back with nothing. He’s tired and hopeless. He didn’t know where the hell Sam could be. He wanted to just burst out a freaking cry and stop all of this. It’s freaking exhausted physically and mentally for the man.

~~~~~0~~~~~

The smell of waffles was all over the place as Dean stepped in the bunker. His heart skipped a beat. The man stormed into the kitchen. Dean blinked at the scene. Sam was making them breakfast.

“Good morning, Dean” Sam offered Dean his smile.

Dean opened his mouth in disbelief. Then he held up his hand and slapped himself as hard he could to see if it’s a dream. And thank God, it hurt like a son of a bitch. But that’s the least Dean cared. He walked towards Sam in hurry and just pulled Sam into his tight embrace. Dean buried his nose in Sam’s neck. The scent of his brother’s hair wiped all of Dean’s worries away like a magic drug.

Sam was still, he didn’t react. Maybe he was processing the situation. After awhile, Sam patted on Dean’s back in reply.

“Don’t ever do that to me again, Sammy”, Dean swallowed back his tears before finally letting Sam go.

Sam looked back at Dean. He innocently smiled at the man, “I’m an adult, man. I’m not a kid. What on Earth?”

“Don’t say that! You’ll always be a kid to me”, Dean pointed out before continuing “Where have you been, though?” Dean raised an eyebrow.

Sam scratched the back of his neck, “Well, I was planning to make something for you before you’re back. But then I realized that all of the dishes Dean taught me was out of elements. So I went to the town and bought some. I recalled that Dean loved pie, and if you’re him, so would you. So I looked for some, but I didn’t know the way so I used some map app on the phone. My phone was dead on my way here so I got lost. When I was back, you’re not here. There’s one time, Dean sneaked out to play video games all night. You were too?”

“I…”, Dean found it hard to speak. He didn’t know whether he should be happy because Sam was taking care of him like he had always done or the fact that now “Dean” referred to another person here. He bit his lip, “I was looking for you”

“I’m… sorry”, Sam looked guilty. His gaze was wandering at anywhere but Dean. “Yesterday, I didn’t mean to. I should have yelled at you and played this silence game. I wasn’t sure what had happened to us through all those years. So I was kinda shocked when you… um… kissed me”. He blushed at those last words. Dean could tell that he’s confused but he couldn’t hide his curiousness of kissing Dean.

“Do… um… Do you wanna know?” Dean asked.

“Yes”, Sam replied almost too quickly.

“Alright. I’ll tell”. And it would change everything. Dean knew it. This would change the way Sam, this Sam, looked at him. This would change the way Sam felt about him. He could run away again. He could be hurt again. But the truth was ugly and we had to live we it. So Dean wasn’t sure if it’s a right decision to make. But it’s the only decision he had here.

Dean took a deep breath before getting interupted by Sam’s voice. “But you gotta eat first. I was walking for hours for it”. Sam licked his lips.

“Sammy…” Dean looked at his brother with a surprised smile. He felt like firework was exploring in his mind. His Sammy was worrying for him. His Sammy was opening up with him. And it hurt Dean. All of those things should have never happened in the first place. But it’s okay, because Dean would never give up on Sam. All he had to do was push the right button to open that book of memories in Sam’s head.

 

~~~~~0~~~~~

“So… What happened?” Sam started after Dean had one of his last bites.

Dean recalled, “Dad was on a hunting trip and he wasn’t home for a few days. So I picked you up at Stanford when you’re around 21 or 22 something. Then, Dad passed away. We killed the yellow-eyed demon together. You died, I replaced you in Hell. I came back. You and Ruby were a thing. Ruby tricked you to open Lucifer’s Cage. You kicked that son of a bitch back yourself and locked him up by sacrificing yourself. I lost you. One year later, you came back, no soul. We took it back. Then we faced those big mouths called Leviathan. We met Kevin Tran, lost Bobby. I went to Purgatory, you hit a dog. I was back and we were together again. I was mad at you for the stupidest reason and you thought I didn’t love you anymore. We lost Benny, my friend. You almost died so I tricked you to be possessed by an angel. It made you mad at me for moths. I died, turned into a demon. You cured me and we’re together again. And now I…”

The man was giving a speech like a waterfall. It seemed like no end until he saw the way Sam was reacting to the story. The boy looked hurt, like physically hurt. He held his head by both hands and frowned.

“Sam? Sammy? You’re okay?”  Dean asked in a hurry voice. He jumped in to hold Sam. Something in him was telling him that this could be Sam remembering about him. And it sent him a thrill, a joy. But also, there’s some bother growing in him as Sam looked hurter and hurter. Sam squeezed his eyes shut in pain. The boy bit his lip hard enough to draw blood out. He gulped as trying to say something. “I wanna rest” he said weakly.

Dean helped him stand on his feet and led his brother to his room. There’s nothing but concerns in Dean’s eyes at the moment. After laying Sam down, Dean asked hopefully. “You’re sure you don’t remember anything?”

“My head… hurts”

It’s terrible to watch Sam like this. But it’s more terrible to know that it’s him who put Sam in this. It’s his fault to make Sam love him the way they shouldn’t. It’s his fault not to control his own dick while Sam’s around. It’s his fault to be distracted while driving, because he was dreaming of some bed scenes. It’s his fault to open up about those memories. 

Watching Sam was too much for Dean. He sat there for awhile until his brother was in sleep. Dean closed his eyes. He told himself that it’d be okay.

Dean made his way out of the room. He picked his phone up and dialed a number.

“Doctor?” asked Dean.

“Hello. It’s Doctor Smith here. How can I help you?”

“Hi. I’m Dean Winchester. I’m calling to ask about my brother”

“Oh. Mr. Winchester. I remember. How’s he doing?”

“He’s in pain. I was telling him some events about us. But it doesn’t work, I guess”

“Normally, memories can’t just come all at once. It’ll be overwhelming for the patient. Maybe you should try replaying some habits, a piece of memories when you’re together”.

“For example?”

“For example, something that you both have been through that making his brother at his happiest state. When reliving in that scene, your brother may remember some of the lost memories. The more meaningful the event is, the easier for your brother to remember all”

“Like Heaven?”

“That’s right! That event can be heaven to him, for instance. But it must have happened in the time of his lost memories.”

“Thanks, Doc”.

Dean hanged up. He rubbed his forehead. The time of his lost memories meant the time he’s back to this family business. And it’s also the worst time of Sam’s life. Ten years being with him, Dean was sure Sam had never been happy for once. Whatever Dean offered Sam, it either tears or blood. This time was the time Dean’s dead and Sam carried his brother’s body with the weight on his chest. This time was the time Dean sneered at Sam for his mistakes. This time was the time Sam watched his brother choosing Cas or Benny instead of him. This time was the time Dean gave himself the power to take away Sam’s happiness, Sam’s free will. Being with Sam, Dean could never hide his happiness. But at the end of the day, he knew that Sam could never feel the same. He knew he’s a jerk that always took from Sam and just gave his brother the craziest pain which was more and more terrible each day.

At the end of the day, Heaven wasn’t something Dean believed Sam had when he’s with Dean.


End file.
